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Table of contents
PREFACE
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-1.1
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-1.2
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-2.1
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-2.2
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-2.3
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-2.4
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-2.5
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-3.1
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-3.2
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-3.3
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-3.4
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-3.5
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-4.1
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-4.2
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-4.3
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-5.1
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-5.2
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-5.3
EROTIC SYMBOLISM-6
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-1.1
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-1.2
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-1.3
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-1.4
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-2.1
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-2.2
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-2.3
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-2.4
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-3.1
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-3.2
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-4.1
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-4.2
THE MECHANISM OF DETUMESCENCE-4.3
THE PSYCHIC STATE IN PREGNANCY-1
THE PSYCHIC STATE IN PREGNANCY-2
THE PSYCHIC STATE IN PREGNANCY-3
THE PSYCHIC STATE IN PREGNANCY-4
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-1.1
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-1.2
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-2.1
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-2.2
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-3-4
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-5.1
HISTORIES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT HISTORY-5.2
INDEX OF AUTHORS

 

 

 

HISTORY V.--(A continuation of History III in Appendix B to the 

previous volume.) 

 

As I became better I commenced to dream of true love. I wondered, 

too, if my horrible past really could be lived down and a young 

woman come to love _me_. I took pleasure in reading love poems, 

especially Browning's, and illustrated some with little 

water-colors.... 

 

I was sitting in the stalls one night seeing a performance by a 

company of English actors when one of them played so badly that I 

thought to myself: "Why, hang it, I could play it better myself!" 

The next minute another thought followed: "Why not try?" I came 

out of the stalls the proverbial stage-struck youth. I was 

sitting in the same place another night when the young man next 

to me entered into conversation. By a strange coincidence he knew 

a few young men, amateurs, who were going to form a company, give 

up their situations and travel, if they could induce a few more 

to join them and put a little money in. I made an appointment for 

the following evening.... 

 

There were lots of meetings in bedrooms and rehearsals between 

the beds, but ultimately I was told a school-room had been 

engaged and a professional actress, A.F. I went to the 

school-room and found all the boys there, and a young woman with 

a pale, rice-powder complexion. On introduction she gazed at me 

as if struck dumb. If she had been better-looking (I thought her 

vulgar and puffy) I would have been flattered. I was 

disappointed, but rather frightened (she had a stage presence) of 

her professional ability, especially when we commenced to 

rehearse. I had to make love to her, too, which embarrassed me. 

She had a good profile, I noticed, and would have been better 

looking, I thought, if she were in better condition, for she was 

young, about my own age, twenty-three or four. We were all 

young--enjoyed our rehearsals, and had lots of fun--but I did not 

respond to the advances A. was evidently making to me. Finally we 

started on our tour. As the weeks went on A.F., like the others, 

improved wonderfully in health and appearance. If we had had 

anything like houses it would have been a pleasant trip. My 

strangeness did not escape the notice of the boys altogether, for 

I was still a bit strange in mind and nerves--and deeply 

religious, bowing my head before each meal and reading my little 

Bible and prayer-book at odd times. I drank no alcohol. I spent a 

good deal of time by myself of with my faithful companion A., who 

was nearly always at my side, she and her appealing eyes. I was 

surprised to see how quickly she had improved; she looked quite 

attractive and ladylike some evenings at meals, but I only 

tolerated her. I was selfish and conceited. 

 

Things had been going on like this for a week--always playing to 

empty houses and our money lower and lower--when A. said to our 

other lady, Mrs. T., on a train in my presence: "I shall have to 

give him up, I suppose; he will have nothing to do with me." Mrs. 

T. said: "You give him up, do you?" and looked at me as if she 

were going to try her hand. A. said "Yes," and looked at me, 


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